


We Amaze and Astonish

by a_mind_at_work



Series: we keep living anyway [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, Will add more tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 23:59:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17355107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mind_at_work/pseuds/a_mind_at_work
Summary: The crew is now in college!This fic is set two years after the end of Something They Can Never Take Away.Alexander, John, Lafayette, Hercules, and Peggy are freshmen at Columbia University.Eliza is a sophomore at Union College.Angelica is a junior at Princetown.This is a series of one shots following them through college. Will update somewhat regularly. Enjoy!





	We Amaze and Astonish

**Author's Note:**

> The Angst Queen is back ;)

It was Alexander's second week of college, and it was already too much.

_ Why did I think I could do this? Why did I think that I could manage Columbia University, let alone ANY college? _ he thought to himself as he pulled the covers over his head, ignoring the blare of his alarm. 

“Hm, Alex,” John said from the other side of the room. 

Alexander could hear his boyfriend sitting up. John had wanted to sleepover in Alex’s bed the night prior, but Alex had pushed him away, feeling too inferior and guilty about  _ who knows what  _ to let John near him.

His alarm stopped sounding. A hand gently pushed Alex’s shoulder back and forth. “Alex, babe, what’s up?” 

Alex gripped the blankets tighter.  _ I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I can’t–– _

The blanket was ripped off of him. “Alexander,” John said. He looked down at his boyfriend, worry in his eyes. 

That was enough to break the dam. 

Alexander started to sob, curling in on himself to hide his  _ hideousness, his patheticness, his–– _ a hand combed through his hair. 

“Sh, it’s okay,” John said softly. He moved Alex so Alex’s head was in John’s lap. “It’s okay. You can cry. I’m still here,” John said softly. 

So Alexander cried. And when he felt like he couldn’t cry anymore, John sat him up against a pillow and handed him his bottle of water. 

“Drink,” he commanded gently. So Alex did.

“Can we talk about it?” John asked. 

“I…” Alex took a deep breath. “I don’t belong here,” Alexander said. “I don’t belong at this school or any school. I can’t do it, John, I can’t––” Alex’s breathing hitched as a wave of panic overtook him. He felt so sick he swore he’d throw up the water he’d just swallowed. 

“Breathe, baby, breathe,” John said. Together, they counted out breaths. Once Alex could breathe on his own again, John spoke. 

“That is bullshit, Alex. You graduated top of our class. You got scholarships to every school you applied to, including here. You are so dedicated, so passionate, I have no doubt you’ll succeed.”

“But I  _ won’t _ ,” Alex insisted. 

“That’s your depression telling you that,” John said, voice soft but firm. “Remember when you thought it was impossible for the Washingtons to love you?” 

Alex sighed. John had a point. 

“Now what are they?” John asked. Alex could hear the grin in his voice.

“My parents,” Alex grumbled. 

“I rest my case,” John said. He hugged his boyfriend. 

“But really, Alex, you’re so much more than you think you are. And until you see that, I’ll keep on reminding you.” He kissed Alex’s temple and pulled him close. “I’ll just keep on reminding you.”


End file.
